WHAT THE… ? MONSTER DISCRIMINATION!
Good morning. A quick update from Baltimore. My friend Karla just sent me this link to a new product called “Monster Go Away Spray.” Excuse me? Hold he phone, Mabel! For obvious reasons I am outraged! Outraged!
Why would anybody want Monsters to go away? The product description explains: “Most children both younger and older will at one time or another be afraid of the boogie man, ghosts, monsters, spirits and even the badly behaved house elf. Monster Go Away Spray was created by a mom to help her children get to bed and go to sleep much easier.”
It goes on to say that “Many children have the gift of being able to see the spirit world, so it is important to never tell your child that what they are afraid of doesn’t exist.” No kidding! Doubly so when we all know that Monsters very much do exist.
But why is eradication the answer? Why the immediate leap for an aerosol exorcism? In my experience 99.9% of Monsters tend to be really quite friendly, and generally lovely to be around. Unless you spritz them with “essential oil of French Lavender, Roman Chamomile and Italian Mandarin Orange,” of course. Who likes to get spritzed, after all?
I call for an immediate boycott of this discriminatory product!
Teach your children well! Don’t fear the Monsters!
Treat them as you would want to be treated!
A penny saved is a Monster earned!
A Monster in time saves nine!
Forgive me. It’s late and I’m a bit punchy.
That doesn’t change the fact, though,
that 344 LOVES YOU