Good morning. A quick update from Baltimore. My friend Karla just sent me this link to a new product called “Monster Go Away Spray.” Excuse me? Hold he phone, Mabel! For obvious reasons I am outraged! Outraged!

Why would anybody want Monsters to go away? The product description explains: “Most children both younger and older will at one time or another be afraid of the boogie man, ghosts, monsters, spirits and even the badly behaved house elf. Monster Go Away Spray was created by a mom to help her children get to bed and go to sleep much easier.”

It goes on to say that “Many children have the gift of being able to see the spirit world, so it is important to never tell your child that what they are afraid of doesn’t exist.” No kidding! Doubly so when we all know that Monsters very much do exist.

But why is eradication the answer? Why the immediate leap for an aerosol exorcism? In my experience 99.9% of Monsters tend to be really quite friendly, and generally lovely to be around. Unless you spritz them with “essential oil of French Lavender, Roman Chamomile and Italian Mandarin Orange,” of course. Who likes to get spritzed, after all?

I call for an immediate boycott of this discriminatory product!
Teach your children well! Don’t fear the Monsters!
Treat them as you would want to be treated!
A penny saved is a Monster earned!
A Monster in time saves nine!

Forgive me. It’s late and I’m a bit punchy.
That doesn’t change the fact, though,
that 344 LOVES YOU


  • 18 October 2008 4:25 am

    It’s absolutely hideous. I will immediately start a boycott.
    Some people…
    I found that if you put jelly bellies under the bed you can hear the monsters snickering.. 🙂

  • Sue Bebie
    18 October 2008 8:16 am

    Let your children blow a lot of soap bubbles. Monsters like to travel in bubbles, because they have a sensational view. The charming monsters bubbles fly away and the bad ones are caught in their bubble prison and burst. Fun wins against fear!

  • Sue Bebie
    18 October 2008 8:36 am

    I forgot to explain a tiny little thing…
    If a clever child makes out, that all the soap bubbles burst and this poor kid is full of tears now, because the good mosnters could be dead…You should have an answer. You could tell, that all the good ones jumped out before the soap bubble explosion and only the scary nightmare monsters stay forever away.

  • Nicole
    18 October 2008 9:57 am

    No! No! The children are coming! The children are coming! They are armed with little spray bottles! What are we to do, what are we to do! Help,help, please someone help the monsters!

  • 18 October 2008 7:33 pm

    I have to agree with you, this sounds a bit nutty. If anything, when I was a kid I was more afraid of other children than monsters.

  • 19 October 2008 3:27 pm

    In Provence (and east Texas)the lavender fields are FULL of monsters. They sit eating mandarin oranges and drinking chamomile tea before they go to sleep! And a very lovely sleep it is, too!
    There is nothing more peaceful than a lavender field full of snoring monsters.

  • Nadia Hansen
    24 November 2008 5:11 pm

    WHAT THE LARD!?!?I’m going to boycott the crap out of “Monster go away spray”.

  • 2 December 2008 10:20 am

    Wow…the misquoting! The misunderstanding! The confusion!
    Just to be clear : Monster Go away! spray is not new, it was formulated and sold since 1999. The imitators are relatively new though;)
    Pls see http://www.monstergoaway.com
    I do not seek to banish ill behaved house elves or ‘spirits’,~~~ just to get kids to sleep without crafting Benadryl smoothies.
    Geez, give a sister a break, huh?

  • Andy
    9 December 2008 9:03 pm

    A friend of mine sent this to us once. It’s complete garbage and smells nasty. Who would waste money on something like this (I love my friend, but am still wondering)? Maybe “a sister” should make a better product. Sensative much? Viva la boycott!

  • 10 December 2008 12:02 am

    Oh, I appreciate the fire, Andy, but it’s all in good fun. I actually talked with Lisa a bit and she realizes that it’s al tongue-in-cheek. :^)

  • Andy
    10 December 2008 4:17 pm

    All in good fun, yes, but it’s still garbage. I hope this isn’t really how she plans on paying for her kids’ college.

  • 25 December 2008 6:38 pm

    I am now ashamed of my thoughtless behavior. I had been using a ‘home made’ monster-b-gone brew since the 80’s. It never occured to me that I was discriminating against an entire class. I am embarrased and horrified. Never again. Thank you for bringing this to my attention before I had grandchildren. In the future I will perhaps ask the monsters to come join me in another room while the kiddos sleep? My wish is that this will not offend…. sigh…

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