DAILY MONSTER 39
Good morning. Thank you for visiting!
And many thanks for all of yesterday’s great stories.
We start with Yi Shun, who introduces Monster 38 as a waddling Vegas showgirl with a serious attitude! Nice job, Yi Shun! I can see it! Elizabeth Berkley and Gina Gershon have nothing on this gal!
Sam B. is back in style, reporting on poor Geert who’s seeking help for his fear of cracky-eyed pelicanic waterfowl. Once you’ve read the description of his recurring nightmare, you’ll be a little scared of evil pelicans, too. Thank you, Sam. You never let us down!
Schlockading presents Blork the Water Guard with the laser tongue. He also gets extra credit for his explanation of the eyes that shift from the water into the creature’s head! Excellent! Great work, sir!
Stephanie scores big with the story of Franklin, who’s got some serious trouble with his bionic legs. Franklin’s sad tale is a stark reminder that if you’re going to litter, at least try throwing out something that might be useful to somebody else who finds it. Thank you for a great laugh, Stephanie. I didn’t see the ending coming. Or the beginning. Or the middle. Very well done!
Monster 39 might be an ancestor of Sy Snootles. Then again, 39 is clearly more attractive and of much friendlier disposition. Does it have three legs? Or two legs and a tail? Is it a runner? Or a bouncer? What does it use it’s extendable mouth for? Where is it coming from just now? Where is it off to next? Who are it’s friends? I know you’ll tell me and I like that about you. I hope you’re having a great in-between day! 344 LOVES YOU
The Flying Resolution Monster.
Annually they come out of hibernation, flying into our world to buzz around with innocent idealism. “Yes, next Monday will be a real turning point for you.” “That weight loss is coming soon!” “Quit smoking? NO PROBLEM!”
They start with that innocent look – an ambitious smile with wide eyed optimism. Then one day at a time, the smile turns to uncomfortable worry. Then that optimistic smile turns into a strange boondoggle, an appendage that looks like an embarrassment in the morning. The Flying Resolution Monster no longer makes sense – “Why did I invite this strange monster in my life?” “Why didn’t I learn from last year?”
Then the FRM offers to leave, and with an open window he is released to go to his special hibernation place until next year.
Johanssen peered out with a nervous eye. It was still there. Floating across the lawn. Thousands of years and natural selection had made the hideous tormentor more treacherous. Stronger. Quicker. Faster. Airborne. Before, moving homes high up into the trees were a sure fire method of survival from the beast. Now, it was only a matter of time before one would find colonies and devour entire families. Nary a survivor.
“We’re stuck. There’s no way out and it’ll find the colony soon, for sure.” uttered Johanssen to the other workers.
A strapping young worker responded, “What of the soldiers? Can’t they help?”
“Are you serious, Henrickson?! Look at the size of that thing. Our soldiers’ attacks would be but a pin prick to that monstrosity.” replied another.
Johanssen had to think of a plan. Most of the workers looked to him for guidance. He made the paths. Found the best materials for construction. If there was such a position of Foreman in their society, he would surely be it. He gave a shallow breath and faced everyone, “OK… There is an outside chance it won’t realize we’re here. Maybe it won’t notice the colony and will move on. There is a nice watering hole down there and it may just be taking a moment to refresh itself.”
“You just said it would find us for sure!” retorted a panicked worker.
“Hey! Ya! WE’RE DOOMED!!!” shrieked another.
“Stop! Uhm… let me think.” paused Johanssen. He needed a plan, now more than ever. They couldn’t outrun it. There was no way to divert its attention. The nearest colony was quite a long way off, so help from them would be out of the question. He concentrated as hard as he could to work out a successful scenario.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! IT’S SEEN US!!!!” came the screams of the workers. They scattered in confused patterns with many just heading outside, without concern of the consequences. The animal hurled itself up the tree, slamming into the colony walls. Ripping them open. Huge chunks of debris with workers and soldiers hurtling towards the ground. Then it’s tongue shot out of its long snout – lashing at the ants for a hearty meal. Johanssen made for a deeper tunnel, scurrying past other workers traveling the same path. The aardvark’s tongue lapping them up, hundreds at a time. Johanssen was about to turn a corner when the sticky, wet tentacle smacked his back. He screamed in terror as he was ripped from his home. He spied Henrickson gazing, in horror, back at him from below. His last vision being that of his friend being crushed under the spindly appendage that destroyed the colony to feast on its helpless inhabitants.
Hey thanks for the plug yesterday, Stefan! I can access the comments pad again – yesterday no matter what I did, the browswer stuck halfway down and jammed everything up. Speaking of jam……I was gonna say that monster 38s eyes roll around like that every time he snacks on toe jam. I mean, lookit where he PUTS his toes…down in that murky water…euw.
Now 39 has definitely got some cred. And he’s credible. You can see that shit-eating grin, the devilish twinkle in his eye; how do you doubt the veracity of what he’s saying?
Oh hang on. You know what a growing nose means. Only one thing, really. It happened to our pal Pinocchio, 39’s cousin (let us not forget his kissing cousin, Sy). 39, you’re such a cad! But a mostly benign one. He really does mean well. Harmless bloke, actually. Tell me again I look fabulous in this pink mumu!
And as for the rest of you larrikens up there…great stories!
And Stefan I like how you shaded the back eyeball, nice touch.
“It’s off to the races yet again today, folks! Yes, the odds are 5-2 on this one, it looks like a real racer. That extendable snout always seems to get him the win out here at the Monstucky Derby. And they’re off! Down the front stretch, it looks like – oh my! The three-legged snoutster has tripped over himself and fallen straight into the dirt! Ouch! But what’s this!? He’s stuck out his extendable snout and tripped every other one of the monster racers! What an upset, ladies and gentlemen! Here he goes, running around the track. Here he comes to the finish line… and #39 wins it again, by a huge margin!”
The Monstucky Derby – my favorite in the Triple Crown series.
This is a Close Talking Monster. He’s a smarmy little devil, tricking unsuspecting ne’er-do-wells with cunning bamboozlement. His face, while appearing normal, can change on a whim, elongating to violate precious personal space. He stands around six feet three inches tall, and hops from victim to victim on three spring-loaded thorax projections. Many CTM’s have clean dental cavities, though a select few are seasoned smokers with yellow choppers and tar stained upper lips. These guys are the true aficionados of brutish behavior, often chatting with their offending mouth tubes only inches from your face. The only escape is a properly executed back-walk. Make sure to do it slowly, as quick steps will alert the CTM of your retreat. Continue small talk until you are safely distanced from the rancid gasbag.
Tired of brooms and dustpans? Sick of looking at that old dirty mop? Had it up to HERE with that old broken-down Hoover? Well folks, get ready to kiss those problems Good-Bye! I am here to introduce you to the latest innovation in the janitorial field. I give you: “Sinkenken!” This creature will eliminate every other household cleaning product and tool you have. No more mops, brooms, Swiffers, or vacuums. With “Sinkenken!” all you do is let him (or her, depending on the model you chose) loose in your home for 45 minutes, and you will not believe the results. Your home will be cleaner then you ever thought possible!
Now, I know what you folks at home are saying. You’re saying, “Yeah, right! That only works on TV!” Well, to prove you wrong I am going to do something that has never been done before. I am going to GIVE YOU a “Sinkenken!” to try for 6 weeks at NO COST TO YOU! That’s right folks! If you call the number that is on your screen right now, we will send you a FREE “Sinkenken!” to try WITH NO MONEY OUT OF YOUR POCKET, for 6 weeks! If you are not COMPLETELY, and I mean 110%, satisfied, return the “Sinkenken!” to us, with NO HASSLE!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! If you call within the next 17 minutes, we will send you a pocket “Sinkeken!” as a gift just for trying “Sinkenken!” The pocket “Sinkenken!” is perfect for the car, RV or boat. Perfect for small jobs and quick cleaning! It’s your’s to keep, just for trying “Sinkenken!”
*Call the number on your screen to receive your “Sinkenken!” for six weeks, absolutely free. Call within the next 15 minutes and receive your pocket “Sinkenken!” as our gift to you. Operators are standing by.*
Sinkenken means No Problem in Indonesian. What better name can you have for a cleaning monster? None…that’s the answer to that question.
Hey, wo ist denn der Rest abgeblieben…oder gibt’s gar keinen?
Na ja, vielleicht hat das Zeichengerät seinen Geist aufgegeben, was gelegentlich mal vorkommt, des Zeichner’s Hand ist erlahmt, was je nach Druckintensität auch mal vorkommt, oder noch schlimmer, herrschende Kreativitätsflaute,… (was bei diesem Zeichner eher nicht bis nie vorkommt.)
Aber was soll’s, ich gefalle mir auch so. Soll jeder über mich denken was ihm in den Sinn kommt. Elefantenmonster hin oder her…
Da müsste man ja sowieso nur Unmengen überflüssiger Farbe mit sich rumschleppen.
Obwohl,… so Krautblattohren wären schon ganz toll. Dann könnte ich als Leichtgewicht durch die Lüfte schweben, den Rüssel ausfahren, die Saugautomatik einstellen und…Insekten rein und runter…
Ahhh!!! Eine wundervolle Vorstellung aber leider nur ein Traum.