Good morning. Yesterday’s monster brought out another great batch of stories from all your favorite writers, and from some new voices, too. Please take a look:


Monster 61 appears to be another upset office dweller. He also seems to be balding. Maybe it’s all that stress? Or are environmental factors to blame? Too much Monstesterone? Why do you think 61 is so upset? Who’s got him shouting? I hope you’ll let us know. (If you haven’t posted a story before, please don’t be shy and join in the fun.)


In other news, I attended a star-studded fundraising event benefiting Dave Eggers’ writing and tutoring center 826LA earlier tonight. The event was titled “An Evening of Best Intentions” and we were there to honor actor Seth Rogen “for the charity work he may one day do.”

The 826 guys were nice enough to invite me and my girlfriend, because I’m doing the graphics for their new Time Travel Store. I’m glad they did, because I don’t think I’d have paid for two $1000 tickets. Not that the kids aren’t worth every penny, but my charity money went towards boring things like food and shelter again this month. Food and shelter for me, that is. At any rate, it was a fabulous and unusual evening and I would be remiss if I didn’t give you a brief report from the Hollywood frontlines.

You know you’re in for a star-spottin’ good time if you’re standing out in the cold, waiting in line for your wristband right behind Demetri Martin, Will Arnett, Andy Richter, and Christian Slater. Needless to say, we were good Angelenos and kept our cool, though my inner comedy geek was getting quite excited. How strangely exciting to see four comedy classics come together right before your eyes—the Daily Show, Arrested Development, Classic Conan, and The Name of the Rose. I should say right now that we kept to ourselves all night and didn’t have any actual star contact, but it was fun to look around once we got to our table.

Ben Stiller dropped by our table, looking for his table. Clearly he didn’t recognize that he had wandered into the freeloader section. Oddly enough, Christian Slater was right across the way from us. One hopes that he hasn’t fallen on hard times. He looked good, either way. Very glamorous, if a bit shorter than you’d think.

Lots of celebs showed up in person (Ed Norton, Gary Shandling, Ted Danson, J.J. Abrams, Ron Meyer) and many more by video salute, including but not limited to Owen Wilson, Sam Rockwell, Chris Rock, Jim Carrey, Paul Rudd, and a surprisingly funny Brad Pitt. The evening was hosted by 40-Year-Old Virgin director Judd Apatow, who also produced the various video segments, all of which were pretty damn brilliant. YouTube as done by trained professionals.

We got some excellent live music courtesy of Aimee Mann and Loudon Wainwright III, as well as a finale by Ambrosia, but the musical highpoint was a buttery soft acoustic rendition of “Leather and Lace” as performed by Will Ferrell and Dave Grohl. I’ve always liked Grohl, but I was never big on Will Ferrell. Just not that into him on film. But in person he brought down the house and me with it. The excellent Michael Cera also did a funny bit, after already doing well with this funny YouTube moment. MC Apatow came through with flying colors, as did honoree Rogan.

Overall, the event raised some $200,000 for the 826LA tutoring program, which is fantastic. they’ll be able to run the program for a year on that. If you’re in a position to donate some time or money, this would be a good place for it.

The funniest moment may have been when they brought one of the actual kids on stage to read one of the pieces he had written with the help of an 826 tutor. “My Summer Vacation” turned out to be about his great new summer discovery: hand jobs. Based on the well-timed delivery, I’d say the kid was a ringer, but no matter. We had an excellent laugh and a great time. I never get to go to industry events, so this was a hoot. I hope you don’t mind that I debriefed right here in front of you.

A shout out to you from way back here in the cheap seats: 344 LOVES YOU


  • Felipe
    17 January 2007 7:05 am

    hi, i’m see you work , and y think what “youtube”, is best to see the draws
    well, continue this
    PD: i’m from Chile =)and my english its no so good, y’m in secondary(2 year)

  • 17 January 2007 7:29 am

    Wow, sounds like a great party. Demetri Martin is one of my favorite comedians. Sort of Mitch Hedbergish with dry wit and extremely smart observational humor.
    One of my favorites from him, “This summer at a party I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool — location, location, location.”
    Thanks for the debrief. Sounds like it was a successful event, raising some good money for the kids.

  • Katy
    17 January 2007 7:57 am

    Frankforth had a dilemma.
    He loved his flesh-hair. And he loved his job as a sogling-cannon operator (a cannon that shot frozen soglings at air-crafts to determine their impact capacities during flight). He loved to be a part of the action. He loved the rush of air as the cannon burst with its sogling-thrusting power. Unfortunately, the blast also blew back his flesh-hair. It was all still there, but it was getting shoved further and further back on his skull!
    He needed to do something!

  • Jake
    17 January 2007 8:59 am

    Bald is sexy in the monster universe and no one knows it more than the monster universe’s most elite male model, Fargo Van Plat. Today we find Fargo posing for MQ (Monster Quarterly). This shoot is an easy one, just a straight forward screaming shot like every upscale, conservative photographer snaps. Poor Fargo. He yearns to express himself as a model and artist in more than just the average screaming shot. Maybe something more radical, like a shot featuring him looking off to the left with his shoulders slightly turned, his loose fist cupping his chin and his elbow resting on his knee. You know, one of those once in a lifetime radically emotional shots. Too bad, it’s just not in the cards for Mr. Van Plat. He is stuck with the boring, cliche scream. “Maybe I’ll take up acting…”, he thinks to himself as another flash bulb fires.

  • Hippy
    17 January 2007 9:00 am

    So what if I don’t have as much hair as I used too? All of those punk kids running around with their hair out in all directions and here I am with my 5 or 6 strands. My daughter has at least twenty on her head, and she says that I’m an embarrassment to be seen with in public. My dear wife, Lorene, has me comb the strands over the top of my head when I leave for work in the morning so my boss won’t notice and think less of me, but by lunch it is all messed up again. Then he comes by and tells me that all of his employees must have a full head of hair. “It is the way of our people!” he says, and then suggests any number of hair care products that I could use.
    But today, oh, today. The CEO of my company is coming to inspect our branch, and I he sees me without hair; he’ll flip and fire me. And then my family won’t be able to eat! Oh, how am I going to make this, work?

  • 17 January 2007 10:04 am

    Yousef is calling out to all monsters, far and wide and to their creator to say how much faster and smoother YouTube aids in viewing their gestation. Revver is slow and sometimes stalls out totally {even on a very fast laptop with broadband}. I’m with Yousef m’sef.

  • 17 January 2007 11:32 am

    Hi Felipe. Hi Owen. Sorry to hear that Revver is stalling out on you. It seems to vary a bit from day to day and from location to location. Several people initially told me that they got better results viewing the clips through Revver. So it seems to be a toss-up. I hope you’ll stick with the monsters, either way.

  • 17 January 2007 12:03 pm

    hi everyone, is it just my browser, or is everything showing up in itals for everyone else, too? my eyes, my eyes!!!

  • 17 January 2007 2:47 pm

    Hi Yi Shun. Yes, I noticed that, too. I figured that it was a quirk with Typepad, but of course, it was what it always is: Operator Error!

  • 17 January 2007 3:21 pm

    Toma had been going to the karaoke bar for some time now. Almost 3 years. He wasn’t your average regular, either. No, everyone knew Tomas. People that had never been even knew of Tomas’ frequency at the joint. Most chalked it up as loneliness. Others – well, others just didn’t care. Knowing about someone doesn’t make them your friend, and Tomas had a lot of “publicity”, but even fewer friends. The oddest thing about each one of his attempts at singing yielded in most not remembering what he just sang. Those who bothered to think about it, considered it nothing more than his lack luster performance being so abysmal as to not warrant remembering.
    Six o’clock rolled around and sure enough, in stepped Tomas through the imitation leather sway door. Some people acknowledged his presence with a nod. The DJ gave a half-hearted look in his direction and pulled out the overused track that would see yet another night of butchery. Tomas didn’t even have to sign in, the hostess already had his name on the list. The sheets all but came pre-printed with it on them. He sat at a nondescript table and a waitress dropped a glass of the bar’s stoutest … “drink” it had available. Tomas threw it back and winced a little as the heavy liquor oozed down his throat. Three guests finished their renditions of their favorite tunes and Tomas gleefully sauntered to the stage. To him, this was his time to shine, his moment in the spotlight. It never mattered how everyone else heard him – never. He was just keen on getting up there and pelting it out.
    The notes rattled out of Tomas’ mouth while his tongue wagged the ephemeral keys. He hit a couple of notes at such a pitch that no one could have possibly heard anything. Oh, but they did. This went on for about two minutes worth of the song and then it happened. The first head tilted back lazily. Then, suddenly, and all at once, everyone in the bar fell into a peculiar slumber. Tomas hopped off the stage, continuing to sing and began rifling through pockets, purses, registers, anything that might hold valuables. He got his satisfaction, all the while joyfully singing along with the speakers, hopped back up on stage and did a few more versus. Everyone seemed to come to without appearing disoriented or otherwise knowledgeable that any time had passed while unconscious. The song concluded and Tomas stepped off the stage, his jacket a little puffier than before.

  • Sabeyen
    17 January 2007 3:58 pm

    “You know you’re getting old when your hair starts growing in.”
    Since his arrival to Earth, 7934016 (Lucky Seven, to his friends.) had been alarmed, and then intrigued at the amazing ability of the upright fleshy beings, who seemed to start off very young, with hardly any hair at all, then get progressively older (thick, dark hair growing possitively all over) until they reached a certain state when their hair started receding again.
    It was unfortunate that he was only here for 3 weeks on a pleasure cruise of the galaxy, because he would like to stay and see if this strange pattern continued in a never-ending cycle. Could it be that he had found the answer to eternal life? One begins to think seriously of such things when they are so anciet that their hair is growing in.

  • 17 January 2007 4:16 pm

    I just finished looking through all the older monsters(except the ones where data was not found). I really want to try this, the whole inkblot-into-a-nifty-thing… thing. I love making up creatures. I’m inspired~!

  • 17 January 2007 5:04 pm

    Korah didn’t notice until he was fully dressed and ready for work. He stopped by the hallway mirror to check himself before heading to work. Screaming, he clutched at the tentacles protruding from the base of his skull. He had contracted the dreaded Dorsera Monstensis virus.
    The virus attacks at night and propagates rather quickly. The tentacles secrete sticky mucilage, which the virus uses to snag sustenance while attached to its host. The Dorsera Monstensis, while annoying and quite hideous, even for monsters, actually does no harm to the host body. It merely hitchhikes through its lifecycle until it has matured and falls off.
    Korah might have to wait a while until his friend is gone though; the average lifecycle of the Dorsera Monstensis is around 344 days.
    Monster physicians are looking into a cure for Monstensis, but research is slow and underfunded. This is due mainly in part to poor management by monster president Hsub Egroeg. More on that another time though.

  • 17 January 2007 11:47 pm

    “Ahhhhh! Nooooo! Not Windows XP – and not that @#@$! Office Assistant paperclip!!”
    thus spoke Zarafoostruh, clerk and go-fetch boy.
    At least he doesn’t do that awful wispy comb-over thing.
    loved reading about the gala event, Stefan!
    and all yous guys ‘n gals…great reading this evening (it’s what I do while brushing my teeth)

  • 18 January 2007 4:34 am

    Please check out more new fan art monsters from Tiago:
    They’re very spiffy!

  • Britt
    18 January 2007 4:38 pm

    When he was a teen, Al was a very “hip” guy, you see, he had a mulet. But as he aged, he, started to lose his hair. He tried all the fancy creams, but soon the top of his head was all gone and he was only left with the back part. The people at his work called him wispy. because that hair would stand on end and it would look wispy. One day he decided to put tons of gel on hids hair to make it not wispy, but everyone called him smaothered wisp, so he finally decided he was fed up, so Al screamed. He screamed till’ he was blue in the face and his eyes were as bloodshoot as a blood red rose. He screamed for days on end, ;etting out all his anger, and then he quietly left and went home.The next day he went to work, ready for what they would say but instead they all stared at him as he walked by. Paula had her kid with her that day and Paula’s kid ( tal ) pointed at Al and said “look at Mr.Screamsalot, he screamed so much he’s frozen in a position of screaming. And so he was. Then for the rest of al’s life he was stuck with his tongue flailing about and his mouth wide open and his in a look of fury, and, his hair always remained,… wispy.

  • Blue
    29 January 2007 10:33 am

    Svensen yelked in embarrassment as his toupee flew off before the entire office awaiting his presentation on Brine & Its Effects on the Seaconomy.

  • Paula
    18 March 2007 6:15 pm

    The bodybuilder posed on stage, thrusting, flexing, and sweating. He smiled, and strained more muscular poses, and whipped the crowd into a frenzy. he had shiny black hair, it was like a wall of hair. He was tanned & toned. When he finished his posing, he bowed to the crowd. As he bowed his toupee dropped off.

  • Sue Bebie
    24 April 2008 7:33 am

    Er wollte den Presseberichten über das neue Virus, das Mutationen verursachen soll, keinen Glauben schenken, bis…
    an diesem denkwürdigen Tag, beim allmorgendlichen Kontrollblick in den Spiegel. An diesem Tag, ja an diesem Tag bleibt das Styling Gel unbenutzt in der Dose. Die Haare waagrecht gesträubt vor Schreck, ein gellender Schrei eintweicht seinem Innern: Würmer, Würmer überall und in allen Grössen, abscheulichen Dinger und immer in der selben grellen blendenden Farbe. ARGHH!!! UND DIESER ZUNGENWURM!!! Wilde Gedanken kreisen in seinem Hirn.
    Was soll er nur tun???
    Er wählt die erste Möglichkeit, denn er weiss: “344 WILL NEVER DIE”

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