Good morning and 歓迎! to everybody popping over from Weekly Teinou 蜂 Woman I hope you’ll have fun meeting the Monsters.

Yesterday’s creature yielded another bumper crop of cool stories! First out of the gate, Terry Tolleson kits hard with a military space opera about Private Jatanko. Code Talkers meet Starship Troopers meet Fredo Corleone. Andy has it right: “Terry T. you rock me, baby!”

Sam Berkes’ story about Terrance actually serves as a nice prequel to Terry’s tale, and makes me wonder if Terrance is called Terrance in a subtle tip of the old monster chapeau. Either way, secret government missions are involved, so it’s clearly a code name. Well done, Sam… if that is your real name.

Mogabog sets a second theme for the day: We’re seeing nothing more than the next stage in wireless communication. Yes, this Monster has a 5th generation cell phone embedded in his head. It’s just another step in the “Can you hear me now?” campaign, says Scott English. Amy thinks he’s using it to order pizza, or to locate a dentist.

Speaking of dentistry, new Friend of the Monsters Yi Shun postulates that we’re dealing with dental surgery gone seriously wrong. One imagines a gassed-up DDS in the mold of Steve Martin’s Orin Scrivello, who–of course–has his own fan site now. Thank you for joining our little gathering, Yi Shun. It’s good to have you.

Scott sees in Monster 33 a land-lubbing cousin of the anglerfish. Andrew considers him more of an avid IM’er and offers up a brilliant teenage transcript in support of his theory. The fact that you can channel such things makes me worry about you, Andrew! Just a little bit… May such transmissions always be entirely voluntary for you! :^D

Last, but never least, Stephanie tells of Cleo, who is in school to become an evil monster and make her pop-pop proud. We should’ve known that being a friendly monster would earn you nothing but scorn and ridicule in the monster world. If only Cleo would stop getting her education from the things that others have scribbled on the bathroom stalls.

In other news, Mogabog asks if there are holiday themed monsters around the corner. Well… what does every little blogger want for Christmas? Why… a pony, of course! So today’s monster is a little bit holiday-themed, if you’re willing to go with me on that one. ;^) I actually don’t have a long cue of monsters at all. Only one more monster is in the can after today’s. So you may want to check on the 24th and 25th. Perhaps some Yule Monsters will find their way into our dimension. Make sure to leave out milk and cookies.

Blobbo wants hi-res monsters suitable for his large, empty grad-student wall. It’ll take me a little while longer, but I’m starting a new company in 2007 that will let me offer some things for sale online. Posters and cards may well be on the menu. And T-shirts. In the new year I’ll post a poll to see which monsters you’d most like to see on cotton and paper.

All this is not intended to be any sort of sell-out cash generator, by the way, and I hope you won’t see it as such. All I’m trying to see if it’s possible for a solo practitioner to create cool products and actually live off the proceeds. No corporate jet purchases are planned. Breaking even will be the great goal! Please, stay tuned.

For now, however, please say Hello to Monster 34. Is it, in fact, a horsey? Or is it something entirely different? If it is, forgive me, a gift horse… who’s giving the gift? Who’s receiving it? What does Number 34 eat? Can you ride it? Can it jump over things? Can you brush its hair? Would it brush yours? What of Inkbiscuit here? Ladies and Gentleman… Win? Place? Or show? Please place your bets! You really can’t lose when 344 LOVES YOU


  • 22 December 2006 6:47 am

    Do you have blinking orange Xmas lights? I got distracted by the paper turning yellow-white-yellow-white. Anyway.
    Sigoo Jerny is a police horse from ‘Gready Manni’. Gready Manni has a very high gravitational pull, which is why the inhabitants of the planet evolved with so many feet and such stout bodies. However, they are very intelligent and that is why he has such a big noggin (THICK skull).
    Sigoo came to Earth as part of a Foreign Exchange Horse program, and never went home. He became the lead horse in many important parades, and because of his intelligence he also led the other horses around and tended to them.
    He was heralded as a great time-saver, and a welcome addition to any police force. He would travel around the world giving talks to various police organizations, learning their languages as he flew (he was THAT smart).
    However, there were factions that did not like Sigoo’s work, and they started a public smear campaign against him. All the unseemly rumors were unfounded, and Sigoo marched (well, scampered – he has short legs) on. Then they found something that would stick. His Foreign Exchange Horse visa had expired, and he had to be deported home.
    Of course he went home, was heralded as a hero, became a rock star and president and when it was time, he went out to stud. And he loved every minute of it.

  • 22 December 2006 7:37 am

    We had the opportunity to sit down with Ms. Junitai Kowou on a brisk December morn. As our featured interview this month for Metro-Opulant Pediatry (MO-Ped), Ms. Kowou needs no introduction. Being a model of her talent literally has her foot in every door. Toeing the line with every shrewd business decision she makes. Her talks and tours speak to the sole of the community. With the delicacy of lace and the steadfast stability of a steal-toed boot, Ms. Kowou is a shoe in for sainthood.
    JK: Something in a pump now, if you please. [She waves the clerk to fetch the new pair while gently sipping from her coffee mug turning her attention to me to begin the interview].
    MOP: Do you remember your first pair?
    JK: Without question. For the longest time, my parents wouldn’t put a shoe on me. To be fair, it would have been quite expensive and we just didn’t have the income. I don’t fault them for that, not at all. On the contrary — my appreciation was fostered and I was immensely grateful when I got that first set. Those were the most beautiful shoes I had ever worn. Even to this day. Nothing compares. Though these pumps are looking quite the competitor. [She gives a little laugh as the clerk returns with a stack ready to exhibit for the lady.]
    MOP: Having not worn shoes for so long in your youth, that first pair must have been an absolute luxury. Is that what sparked your interest to become a model?
    JK: Heavens no. Actually, I was still quite young and had no idea about such things. But I did notice that any pair I tried on, seemed to be tailor made just for me. As though my feet were the mold all shoes are cast around and structured.
    MOP: Clearly, you showcase them well. You won’t get any argument from the writers at MO-Ped. Or our readers, for that matter. What was your most successful shoot?
    JK: Oh, the spread in Posh Pheet [Spring ’15 Issue]. Absolutely. Yes, that was just fantastic. 7 different shoes for that spread. It was glorious. Like I was wearing a Technicolor Dreamcoat on my feet. The photographer had this idea to show off the entire line all at once and we did it. It spoke volumes about the diversity of the product line as well as let me be as expressive as possible. I was everyone at every place in that one snapshot of a moment. The world was on my feet and I was on top of the world.
    MOP: How exhilarating. Surely, our readers know the spread you refer and I am delighted to know we agree on one of the best photos to grace the pages of a magazine, even if it wasn’t MO-Ped.
    The clerk slides the last red pump on Ms. Kowou’s foot and sits back to gaze at the beauty that lies before him. She stands up and jaunts down the aisle, pausing to catch herself in the mirror.
    JK: Fabulous! These are definitely contenders.
    A bit of a departure from my usual, but it’s Friday afterall. Good cheer to everyone this weekend and holiday. I will try very hard to visit during the Christmas “break” to write about these most wonderful monsters.
    Mr. Bucher: an inspiration. An absolute inspiration. These monsters are amazing and I love thinking of what their lives are like.

  • Stephanie
    22 December 2006 7:42 am

    Man, what was I thinking in this photo? I mean, really. Red shoes? Red is so not my color. Seven red shoes. Ha, I remember that movie The Man with One Red Shoe. Yeah, Tom Hanks was in that. And here I go with seven. And my smile, man I must have been really drunk at that party. I just kind of look…drunk. Who’s party was this? I don’t even remember. And who the heck had a camera?? I wonder where this was. Oh! It must have been that talent show that Raymond put on. Yeah, my talent was tap dancing to Copacabana. That was fun. I think Tanya liked it too. That was the night I got her number. Man, I was on fire! I wonder what ever happened to that gal. Hmm. I need to throw a party. Meet some new people. I am so tried of the same old crowd. How am I ever going to meet the right lady if I am never going out? I’m getting mature, I need to find a mature lady. I’m tired of these wacky young girls that just want to talk really loud and not eat. I need to find a quiet lady that eats. Yeah. And if she had a job that would be good. And seven feet, so I don’t feel silly. Fourteen feet hitting the ground when we would walk together. I bet that would sound cool. I need to make a list of all this, I am going to forget it otherwise. And what is going on with my hair in this photo? That was a rough hair month I think. I was using that crap shampoo I got on sale. Never again. I mean, look at that. Yikes. Its like I put glue in my hair before I hit the bed. I think my barber was really blind when he cut my hair that time. Oh, well, that’s why I don’t go to Cheap Cuts anymore. I will not look like that again. I still can’t get over those shoes. Red! Man, I look bad in this photo.
    ~The drawing is GLORIOUS, but I just got the idea of someone seeing a picture of themselves when they look really rough, and all the thoughts that go through their head. Your drawings give me a laugh everyday, so thanks!!

  • 22 December 2006 9:30 pm

    Lipi Zan never really liked people. She greeted everyone with a perfunctory smile. One that says, “Hi, I’m gentle and kind, but I’ll unleash a fury of hooves and ass if you don’t watch it.” I never really felt comfortable around her. But that was before she began the turnaround.
    It all happened when she went away for school. It was hard, but she finally got accepted to the Spanish Riding School in Vienna. Her trotting developed nicely as a result.
    Lipi finally started to interact with her peers and developed a close friendship with one of the other students. Unfortunately, things went awry shortly after a pas de deux faux pas. Lipi was instructed to leave the campus and never return.
    Now she sits in her parents’ basement all day long, eatting lime Jello pretty much exclusively (No one ever told her what it was made of).
    Hope you have a great Weihnachten Stefan. Thanks for creating these great monsters for us to look at every day.

  • 23 December 2006 2:27 am

    Hello Mogabog: To answer your question about the lighting… Strange, isn’t it? I put my ageing fluorescent desk lamp closer to the paper this time to brighten the shot, but I think with the timelapse it intensifies some odd phase shift when I film the whole thing—kind of like the stripes one gets when filming a computer screen. At least, that’s my theory…

  • 23 December 2006 9:29 am

    Ah that makes sense. I forgot all about the time lapse. That makes it even more weird.
    You know now you are gonna be sitting there trying to see it in real time.

  • 23 December 2006 10:50 pm

    Emily was pleased with her new red shoes–but the wig…oh, the WIG…was enough to make any girl grin with all of her teeth.

  • 24 December 2006 2:23 am

    Ha! Nice one, Yi Shun!

  • Audrey, 5th grade
    30 April 2007 1:11 pm

    Today, Monster 34 is going to a new school. He’s pretty excited about it beacuse he’s going to meet new people and make new friends. Okay, now I’m sure your worried about the red shoes, because he was too. But he has very special shoes for emotional management. The colors of his shoes represent his emotions. When he’s happy, they are red; sad – blue; angry – purple; excited – black. So as you can see, they are red today because he is happy to be going to a new school.

  • sue bebie
    13 April 2008 4:45 am

    Seit Schildkröten mutieren
    im Sommer Teiche zufrieren
    Seit im Winter Palmen spriessen
    und Würmer aus dem Boden Schiessen
    Seitdem sagt sich mancher
    Change happens, was soll’s
    Die Wirtschaft wird angekurbelt und ein Notvorrat von roten Schuhen angelegt.

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