Good morning. and Jó napot! to our friends at szanalmas.hu. Thank you for visiting!

So… WOW! I am absolutely blown away by all your posts for yesterday’s monster. New voices are coming on strong, the Magnificent are reaching dizzying heights. This has to be the best collection of stories we’ve had yet. You are amazing! I’m so happy that you’re sharing your fantastic ideas with everybody. It’s an absolute honor to have you here. Thank you.

New contributor Terry Tolleson opens the day with his story of amnesia victim turned merciless evil genius Dr. Cornelius Bruchamp. Nice work, Terry. I hope you’ll post another story today.

Brooke N is back with a lovely meta-tale. I love the St. Elsewhere twist at the end. (Perhaps I need to uncover one of the mirrors in the house… a small one, maybe… I’m scared!)

First timer Gus scores with his story about Professor Blulu, a social outcast who befriends sentient fungi, before moving up the social ladder to thrash metal stage prop. Good man, Gus! I’m curious to see what you have to say about today’s creature!

Andrew, you do us proud with a fine story of a transvestite mathematician. Gödel and Riemann and Size 18 E pumps all in one story. I wouldn’t have thought it possible. Thank you for curving narrative space for us.

Sam Berkes weighs in with today’s second meta(ish) story and introduces us to The Laboratory of Brackish Water Hydrobiology in St. Petersburg. If ever there was a lab I’d like to work at, this would surely be it. You may not know this, but the BWH lab is renowned in hydrobiology circles as a bit of a party lab. A few years ago a handful of enterprising post-docs converted some of the specimen tanks into Jacuzzis, and you know what they say: Once you go lotic, you never go brack!

As for your comment about Monster #344, Sam… now you’re really scaring me! :^D

Scott English strikes with the strangely sensual tale of an Igor-type character, who surgically prepares a submissive model to inspire some sort of mysterious portraitist. Fine work, Scott! I hope you’ll keep posting. I like your style.

And then there’s Mogabog’s entry. Andrew has it right: It’s a masterpiece! A new format, a new epic scale, scenes, arc, emotion, pathos. Not to put too fine a point on it, Mogabog, but you’ve outdone yourself. And I don’t think you’ve hit a peak here, either. You just hit your stride. I can’t wait to see what’s next from you. Real genius! Thank you!

Early this morning, I also received a surprising image from an inside source at NASA (seriously).
He sighted Number 31 roaming Victoria Crater on Mars. You have to see it to believe it!


After all you’ve shown me, I can only imagine what you’ll see in Monster 32. (And Monster 32b!) What’s their relationship? Who’s in the driver’s seat? How did they end up in this particular situation? is this the end of their day? Or the beginning? Do they know that they’re being observed by a roving gang of storytellers? You have no idea how much fun it is to check in on your stories every night! Thank you for giving so freely of your time and creativity! There is a reason why 344 LOVES YOU


  • Turtle
    20 December 2006 5:50 am

    I think the little guy is a providing a useful dental service and climbs into other monsters’ mouths to make sure those teeth stay a healthy black colour. While inside this guy’s mouth he caught a terrifying glimpse of the huge, hairy moustache above him.

  • Brooke N.
    20 December 2006 6:38 am

    (The red shift)
    I can’t take the pressure.
    I know, honey.
    I feel like; I feel like; I feel like; I feel like
    (The blue shift)
    The coolest stars are red.
    This is my absolute magnitude
    (Apparent magnitude)
    We all know the difference.
    She can’t tell the difference. She likes to listen to the breathing and she has lost sight of herself. She is a dark star, a black hole, the gum of the Monster. She tries to please Her. The Monster chews her and moves her; she is blue with confusion.
    She is getting hotter.
    We are watching for the shift; we want to know where she’s moving. She is a star in a galaxy of teeth and tongues. She is a universe, swirling, revolving, rotating, evolving. She is the food that feeds the Monster. She is the voice of the whorled mastication. She is the star, the shift, the magnitude; she is waiting without time because she can’t tell the difference. She is the love and the life and the meat of the Monster. She evolves and revolves and resolves the world, forfeiting herself for the stars. She is hot with knowledge in her Monster’s void, with her tail of a prism and her spectroscope eyes. She is a star and a star and a star. She is a star and a sudden explosion.
    She is the Supernova.
    Filling the Monster with Light.

  • 20 December 2006 7:24 am

    “I just don’t like the idea of being a symbiote.” remarked Rupert. “It’s not that I’m necessarily against the whole ‘I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine’, just that … well, y’know … it’s the process.”
    Harold gazed over his moustache at little Rupert and gave a long grin. “Look, mate, it’s not as bad as it sounds. OK OK – sure, there’s a bit of the gnashing and the gnawing and all, but that’s just natural and besides, it can’t possibly hurt more if we don’t join up. You’re my Selected. I need you, and frankly, you need me.”
    The two stared at each other for some time, thoughts racing perilously through their minds. Just how bad would it be as separates? Could they devise an alternate plan to fulfill their destined relationship without all that dental inspection on Rupert’s part? Was there really a need for each other to support life? How much of Rupert would remain… Rupert? His tiny head was filling rapidly with what little memories he had. Would he retain those? Would he remember anything else? Would he*SNATCH* *FLIP*
    Gazing out of Harold’s maw moments before the prison of white bone closed down on him, Rupert resigned to his fate. Oh sure, he was still scared, but what could he do now? Besides – a glorious life of combined intellect awaited.
    “See? *CHEW* *GNASH* It’s not so *SLURP* *GLORP* bad. *CRUNCH* *SQUISH* Wow, Rupert. *SPLIOTCH* *SQUIRT* You’re DELICIOUS! *GRIND* *GRITCH* This is going to be *MASH* *MUSH* the best damn *POP* *PLIK* relationship ever!” And with a final swallow, Harpert slorped, slopped, galortched into “being”. Fortunately for Rupert, he would never know that Selecteds were raised as food and there was no such thing as symbiotic relationships with the Gorgians. But, whatchya gonna do?

  • 20 December 2006 7:40 am

    This is Stuart Scott coming to you live from Rockafella Center in Brooklyn, at the site of perhaps the most daring stunt in Greenie McGrey’s illustrious career. And he’s Andrea Kramer, with a look on how this all got started.
    **transition to dark biography-looking shot**
    “I remember the first time. I grew up near a retention pond, and it had a one foot wide pipe running into it, and it was fall and the pipe was dry. You know, four boys together will do do stupid things, so we had a contest to see who could go in the farthest. So the first fella goes in, and each six foot long pipe joint he passes, he calls off a number: 1, 4, 7 – then he says enough and he crawls out backwards. Next guy gets 12. Next guy gets 21. I was a little smaller than the other guys, but I knew this is where I could finally win a contest against them. So I climb in, twenty passed without problem, around forty I hear them yelling that I should come back. The thing was in that moment, even at such a young age I knew that crawling around in small dark damp places was what I was meant to do. I kept crawling, and ended up coming out on the other side of the neighborhood! It was exhilarating! I ran back to tell the guys. Apparently they had panicked and ran to my house.”
    **cut to shot of mom in kitchen**
    “I tell you, growing up he’d crawl under the bed and stay there, we would watch TV as a family and he would crawl under the coffee table and he was happy – even when he could clean out a kitchen cabinet to crawl in was no problem. The day those boys ran to the house screaming about, ‘Greenie is gone, he’s stuck under the street!’ was the worst. My mind went like only a mother’s could, and I fainted. When I came to, Greenie was there smiling. I wanted to hug him and spank him. So I did.”
    **Back to dark biography-looking shot of Greenie**
    “Yeah my mom got me that day. But it didn’t matter. I just knew I would have to be careful. She was a great mom, she took up spelunking with me, but it wasn’t quite dark and small enough. So somedays I would go in the woods at night, dig a hole, fill in a bit around me and just sit in it. Some days I would fall asleep, and then I’d get the spankin again… I never learned.”
    **Cut back to Stuart**
    This is Greenie McGrey’s most daring stunt to date. Some compare him to a modern day David Blane, but without all the safety features. Greenie has tempted death by being buried alive for six weeks, being locked in a cage with lions for 4 days, living underwater with piranas for a week and to this point his most daring stunt was being locked in a bingo parlor for 48 hours. Even after the injuries sustained from the bingo parlor, he is attempting an even more dangerous stunt. Let’s learn more about it, here’s Rachel Nichols.
    **Cut to Rachael Standing in front of big monster**
    This is a Yangwon Marauder, one of the most dangerous monsters known in the universe. It senses prey though its facial and cranial tentacles, its teeth are sharper than diamond razors. It eats its food, chews a bit, then comes the acid bath digesting everything in the mouth cavity instantly. Finally it swallows the acid/food mix and immediately digests and excretes the waste. So we will know within 20 seconds if Greenie McGrey has made it if he comes out the other end. This is Rachel Nichols, and I have not blinked since 2001.
    **Back to Stewart Scott**
    We are ready to go. And I will leave you with one thing: Greenie says, “After the Bingo parlor, I think I can handle anything” and that, we are about to find out.
    **Shot of Greenie waving and stepping in, Stewart Scott VO**
    Greenie is in there. He has a sign, it says “Yikes!” The mouth of the Yangwon Marauder is closing, what is going on in there? Remember there are sharper than diamond razor teeth in – wait – Greenie says “Don’t Worry, I’m OK!” What a relief. Now for the acid bath!
    If you want to see the remainder of the stunt you will have to pay $49.95 to have access to the dramatic conclusion on ESPN Pay-Per-View. There will be replays starting every hour on the hour.
    Sorry that was kinda mean.
    Brooke N, your story made my lub-dub’s speed up. I really dug it.

  • Stephanie
    20 December 2006 11:14 am

    “You didn’t brush, did you Elliot?” Maurice hollered at the top of his lungs. Elliot always forgot to brush, and Maurice was always paying the price.
    Out of the goodness of his heart, Maurice had offered to tend to the dental needs of his much larger cousin. And every six weeks he regretted his kindness. Elliot was very lazy and very forgetful. He hardly brushed and he never flossed. Some days he thought he could get away with a swish of water instead of any form of cleaning. Maurice tried to tell him that with a diet of spinach, grits, and rhubarb it was highly important to brush, floss, and use a mouth rinse every single day. Elliot would not listen.
    Armed with a chisel, vacuum cleaner, and goggles, Maurice bravely attacked the tartar and plaque infested mouth of Elliot. For two hours he chipped and chiseled, scraped and vacuumed, to remove all signs of six weeks of meals from Elliot’s 98 teeth. Elliot’s jaw would sometimes get tired of being open, and he would start to close his mouth. As sweet revenge for his sufferings, Maurice would “accidentally” chisel his gums to get him to open up. It gave him a twinge of joy to hear his cousin yelp and then open up wide.
    “Alright Elliot, I’m finished. Can you please, please, PLEASE, try to remember to brush? Six weeks of build up is a nasty mess for me to deal with,” Maurice stated in his most authoritative voice as he gathered his equipment and hauled it out of Elliot’s mouth.
    “I’ll try,” Elliot mumbled. His always wanted to tell his cousin that the leftovers in his mouth provided him with much needed afternoon snacks, but he felt that Maurice might think him disgusting. That meant that he had to deal with getting lectured by his tiny cousin every six weeks. Oh well, he thought. We all have to suffer somehow.

  • 20 December 2006 6:08 pm

    These are so fun to watch. It’s quite admirable that you can keep self-disciplined enough to pump these out day after day. Also the fact that you draw some upside-down tickles me too. 😀
    Well I must admit that you’ve inspired me to bust out the inks and give it a go. I took a different approach, but I too work well by association.
    I think I ended up w/ about 10 ink spots, can ya see ’em? hehe
    Thanks again for the inspiration, can’t wait to see tomorrows!

  • sfturtle
    20 December 2006 8:04 pm

    I just watched many of them AND #1 . . . don’t know why -yet- but its my favorite . . . i’ll make if through the rest soon. love the comments too.

  • 20 December 2006 8:24 pm

    Unlike the Cymothoa Exigua, which removes the tongue of its host, the Lingua Sermo is not quite so bold. This individual, lets call him Parasitic Phil, acts as a tongue but never removes it. His only interaction with other species is by throwing his voice. Phil honed his skills as a ventriloquist by hiding in the mouths of monsters to put on his shows. Although he was pretty good, he always had trouble with his m’s. He idolized The Great Lester for his simplicity, and wanted to be like Stroheim but never quite went crazy enough to pull it off. Eventually he settled into a routine in the mouth of a particular client, Floogle-Flip, the brother of Floogle-Flawn. Flip’s mouth provided a better stage, since Flawn sported those massive choppers. Everything was going so well until Flip decided he’d had enough of Phil’s freeloading ways. He chewed him up a bit to show him who was boss. Now Phil pays Flip a stipend of around 34.4 percent of his earnings. The relationship between the two has grown so well as a result.

  • gatorbait
    20 December 2006 9:46 pm

    I’m not sure why, but as soon as the hair was added on this one I instantly though “gym teacher.”

  • Andrew
    20 December 2006 9:56 pm

    Come one come all!
    See the world’s largest bearded lady, and the world’s smallest viola player in their phenomenal interperative dance routine!
    MARVEL at the intricate weavings of their twirls and whirls!
    SWOON at the romance between the Behemoth and the ant!
    SHRIEK in horror at their phenomenal finish!
    and remember! It’s all part of the show!

  • 21 December 2006 12:42 am

    ~ Bloody ell, some geezas really snorin up a storm tnight.
    ~ E’s going for some sorta sonic record ere, this bloke is.. its too much!
    “Awright, awright. There’s peoples trying to av a wee kip ere ya know. Keep it down awright guvna!?”
    ~ Oh ay, maybe that was me snorin. I musta just fallen asleep for a wee one.
    ~ Where am I then?
    ~ I dunno, but I havtasay at least I’m all comfy like. Least I found some posh locale to crash an all. Lookin out for mysel an evthin.
    ~ What was I doin befaw my nap then?
    ~ DRINKIN!!
    ~ Shite mate, this bed is all wet. Wot av I got mysel inna? Aw, I didn embarass meself did ay?
    ~ Aw naw, I was drinkin’ wit Georgey wanna I?
    ~ Aw naw, its them dam fancy limoncello’s gone dun me in again.
    ~ Oi, this is naught for a bed. This is some geezas tongue I’m loungin on!
    ~ Oh ey! I’m in Georgey’s gob an all. E’s been tryin ta eat me again, the bastard. I told im no eaten me, hundreds o times. I say “No eatin me tanight Georgey, awright”. He’s as thick as two posts that Georgey.
    ~ Bloody limoncello’s.
    ~ But ya can’t fawt the guy, really. E’s got it goin awn betta than ay. Get’s the girls an all. Lucky bastard. I’d av it awn likesay if ay weren’t unnaturally short an all. Diff story then I say. Unlucky draw of the straw an all. Bloody motha nacha.
    ~ E’s a good arted bloke, that Georgey.. if e wouldna keep tryin ta eat a fellah, is all.
    Had to resort to using “~” as a “this character is thinking” indicator as apparently italicisies are verbotten in the comments :^)

  • 21 December 2006 8:10 am

    Elroy was thrilled at the news in Monday’s Page Six: Porn-star moustaches were back, and so was co-dependency.

  • frogger
    21 December 2006 9:09 am

    Just great – : )

  • 22 December 2006 2:14 am

    Ha! Very nice, Yi Shun! I think we can all rejoice at that news! ’tis the Miracle of Moustache-mas!

  • 10 January 2007 11:31 pm

    ahhhh! sugoi!!! monster ga daisuki desu yo!!

  • 11 January 2007 7:21 am

    Victoria: JapanesePod101.com?

  • KRW
    24 February 2007 12:53 pm

    No, no.
    You see, this little guy is not a poor soul with nothing but ventriloquist act.
    No, Pip an acknowladged love doctor. With his great ability to swoon other sparlibies(SPAR-LIB-EEs)into his irrisistable grasp.
    One day, Chartigward (sad sad name) pleaded Pip to help him with his non-abilty to get the opposite sex to even try and pronounce his horrible name.
    Chartigward needed love to make him feel like his 2-day live span was worth somthing.
    Pip didn’t like to work with another race, but Chartigward was just so homely and so unsmooth that Pip decided it was time for a challenge.
    Because of the short life span, Pip only had about 8 minutes and 25 seconds to find Chartigward a decsent mate. With his high skill, he found the most beautiful bablide, Toril, that Chartigward nor Pip has ever seen in all their short lives.
    Chartigward tried to speak to her but ended up doing what all bablides do when their nervous, drench them in their syliva then chuck shoes at the first bablide they see. With this reaction, Toril was now discusted and in critical condition. Chartigward was losing hope when Pip had the brilliant plan of talking for him from inside his mouth.
    Everything was going perfect until Pip’s vibrating pager went off and scared the shoot out of Chartigward. He claosed his mouth and accidentally swallowed beloved Pip.
    Pip’s first reaction was wrathful, but after relizing that Chartigward only had about 30 seconds to live, he cooled down and announced that he was okay.

  • sue bebie
    13 April 2008 4:25 am

    Jetzt ist streiken angesagt! Ich bin ihm nicht mehr behilflich beim Runterwürgen.
    So einen Monstermundgeruch hält ja die stärkste Zunge nicht aus! Selten öffnet er zwecks Dürchlüftung seiner Innenorgane seinen monströsen Rachen; vom alltäglich empfohlenen Putzen ganz zu schweigen. (Vielleicht sollte 31 mal vorbeischauen. Der kennt sich mit Polieren ja bestens aus.)
    Gärender Fäulnisgeruch umgibt mich tagein, tagaus. Würmer und sonstiges wirbelloses Geschleime hätten ihre wahre Freude daran.
    Soweit sind wir aber zum Glück noch nicht…
    Jetzt schliesse ich mich den militanten Vegetariern an, um meinem Arbeitgeber den Körper und Geist belebenden hohen Nutzen fleischloser Kost näherzubringen. Dies wird ihm zwar noch keine Flügel verleihen wie diese Getränke mit den Stärke suggerierenden Namen. Aber die Einverleibung pflanzlicher Nahrung wird ihn in einen Bewusstseinszustand der völligen Loslösung von Körper und Geist führen, was sich durchaus mit der Verleihung von Flügeln vergleichen lässt.

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