Daily Monster 27


  • 15 December 2006 4:58 am

    There was very little evidence of Chuck LeMans great skill when he grew up, in fact he didn’t even start talking until he was 5, so who would know? And not much happened for the next 20 years to suggest he was going to be the great motivational speaker that he is today.
    What we do know was that he developed an interest in the area only after reading, ‘Do Listen to Your Inner Voice.’ The classic book on inner motivations. Until then he had no idea that you could have a career seeding words into people’s mouths.
    For 4 years we learnt from some of the best ‘word placers’. Until he felt he’d learnt enough to go it alone.
    His first attempt however wasn’t successfully, managing only to get a doctor to say that he might have to remove the kidney, rather than say he was definitely going to remove the kidney. This was enough of a set back that it allowed the patient to get a second opinion from another doctored who discovered the kidney was, of course fine.
    His first great success and hint at his genius was getting the CEO of a Fortune 100 company to say he was going to give away his fortune to his employees
    Most recently, he has been working with Michael Richards and of course continues with his ‘life’s project’ George W Bush II.

  • 15 December 2006 7:30 am

    The spike-bodied bottle-opener shark of Kapoatakoore (SBBOSOK) is one of the great mysteries of space. It is only found in the great ethanol seas of Heliopat, a large frozen planet orbiting Rigel. The frozen outer layer is comprised mostly of crystallized glucose, and over the millions of years of its existance, the outer layer and ethanol seas have separated making a 20 mile high living space with perfect protection.
    Heliopat has large mountains on its inside surface, a small plains region and the large ethanol seas that comprise nearly 90% of the surface. The intelligent humanoid-like creatures that inhabit the surface world have done all they can to explore the seas and mountains, but the greatest mystery of theirs is our shark here.
    The first sighting of the SBBOSOK was at a yearly festival in the village of Kapoatakoore. The shark came close inside the harbor, and belligerently made noises, and what appeared like demands until it beached on the shore. The Villagers were stunned and took many pictures. The shark made its way out the next morning, but as legend tells, it left a vile substance behind; the contents of its stomach that left clues to the nature of the deep sea.
    In this “heikkaow” (as the villagers called it) they found countless bottle caps. It wasn’t until hundreds of years later, when a submarine was able to visit the depths of the sea, that finding these bottle cpas made sense. The expedition found that the bottom of the sea was covered with literally millions upon millions of bottle-shaped plants with caps on them. Inside the plants was 130 proof ethanol, the same stuff that slowly filled the seas, but much more pure (and tasty) than the seas.
    As researchers later found out, the SBBOSOK gained sustenance by drinking these plants and then laying in circles having what appeared to be philosophic discussions. The first shark who revealed himself to the villagers of Kapoatakoore was clearly drunk. The sharks patrolled the waters using their spikes to keep other animals away from their stash of plants, but they could do nothing to the submarine and subsequent harvest. Eventually the humanoids mined all the bottle plants, making the SBBOSOK extinct.
    The humanoids should have known better than the destroy the habitat of smaller animals. This became clear to them when Fada Cripness (Monster 19) decided on his way through space he wanted a snack. He saw a candy coated planet with an alcohol core, named the planet “snack” and ate it in one bite. He later revised his naming, and decided to call it “yummy”.

  • 15 December 2006 9:44 am

    While not closely related, the Firetail Schrute is a distant cousin to monster number 1 (Toucan Sam on crack). This particular individual, Turleen Ponderfeldt, lives near a trailer park with her baby daddy and ten kids. Turleen recently took up People Truck racing and is doing quite well on the circuit.
    Unfortunately, the Firetail Schrute is close to extinction. Experts say it is due in part to their excessive Wild Turkey consumption. Though 90% of Schrutes have died as a result of lung cancer in the past 10 years.

  • Rose
    15 December 2006 12:01 pm

    Little Timmy DeeDee was very rude,
    always talking with a mouth full of food.
    He never said thank you, you’re welcome or please,
    and he always kicked people’s knees.
    But one day, as he was walking along,
    singing a little made up song,
    he saw a man in the middle of the street,
    twisting about with bloody stumps for feet.
    “Sir,” said the man with tears in his eyes,
    “A stampede of wilderbeasts took me by surprise,
    so if you wouldn’t mind helping me up from this mess,
    then you shall become eternally blessed.”
    But Timmy just grinned and walked along,
    as if nothing could ever go wrong,
    But what he didn’t know – that stupid little one,
    was that the probloms had only just begun.
    For he woke up, he couldn’t speak!
    His beautiful lips had turned into a monsterous beak!
    And to make it even worse – even though he couldn’t whine,
    thick black hair had grown on his spine!
    And he had grown a tail like a swiss army knife,
    such a horror you’ve never seen in your life.
    But was Timothy unhappy? Not at all!
    He was so happy he could run up a wall!
    Now, he thought with a gleam in his eye,
    No one will dare to call me a wise guy!
    They’ll all be too scared to even run,
    oh, this is going to be so much fun.
    So nowadays, Timothy still lives,
    shocks and scares are what he gives,
    So remember this story, and that you see,
    that is the sad fate of little Timmy DeeDee.

  • Rose
    15 December 2006 12:04 pm

    Wow, I’m magnificent? Thank you!! I’m so honored!

  • Whitney
    15 December 2006 12:13 pm

    This is the first time I’ve seen your work and I’m amazed! So is my 4-yr old who is sitting in my lap asking to look at them over and over again. Brilliant!
    Oh, and he thinks it’s a water bird.

  • The Respected Taxonomist Kukuttan
    15 December 2006 4:27 pm

    The Respected Taxonomist Kukuttan is honored by Mr. Brucher’s acknowledgement in a muchly-smitten manner, thankyou. (Although I prefer my guns at a luke to piping tempurature, blazing catches to the carpets and drapes so easily! Oh my tapestries!)
    Ah but it seems my colleagues have done such a fine job in analysing this stunning creature, it would be very repetative to go into a full dissection at this point.
    But if I may take a guess…
    In all my Taxonomy days I have never seen such a creature, where does it hail from? Is it a type of bird? A prehistoric fish? My friends…what I am about to reveal may leave those in shock and awe…
    This ‘creature’ is actually a man-made object, a Top Secret government aircraft designed by Henry Ford in the late 20’s. If you’ll turn your attention to the single aircraft’s wing and the gawdy plumage it’s obvious that it’s clumsily discuised as a very unattractive, very intoxicated Flapper-girl of the era. The “beak” as some would call it being a soft-shelled hat with an extended brim–very high in fashion among the women of that era. If you’ll take note of the jackknife-styled tail of the craft it was assumed that this woman had just barely escaped a forced-copulation from a brutish gentleman caller.
    Living off the excessive fortunes won by his innovative Model T, Henry Ford turned his mechanical expertice to more creative venues. He was always very interested in the ways of flight, but had no experts to compare his designs to. Taking the only logical path, he made a day trip to Coney Island and made his journey back to 1903 via a penny-operated Time Machine*. His mission? To make a joint effort on a his spectacular Flappercraft with the Wright Brothers.
    The government was very pleased with this new stealth plane; it would have made an excellent weapon in World War II. However the Flappercraft was soon discontinued as the economy failed and fell into the Great Depression, only a few still remain in vintage auto-collections in the present day.
    Who knows what wonders the Flappercraft could have done for the US in warfare? As a respected taxonomist, I am shocked and apprehensive that the blueprints have been found for one here today. For in this state of ‘terror’ we find ourselves in, it’ll only be a matter of time before our nation’s top mechanics begin work on remodeling the Flappercraft. I imagine it to be of a sleeker and rather unhealthily skinny design, the fringes perhaps to be replaced with a tight-fitting discuise and a small pilot discuised as a dog or monkey. Yes, I do fear that the ParisHiltoncraft may be in the works, and it won’t be long until we begin sending legions of our new war planes are dropping nuclear weaponry on the Middle East.
    Though I regret this hasn’t been a biological analysis, The Respected Taxonomist Kukuttan is well-versed in machinery and inventions (at least to the point that I can tell a bird from an aircraft surely).
    And on an ending note, The Respected Taxonomist Kukuttan will be taking an extended leave beginning tomorrow. My intent is to journey to Carolinas, favoring the north, to witness the winter rituals of our very own homosapian. I hope to finally uncover the answer as to why these ‘winter’ rituals must begin promptly at the end of October…
    Upon the 21st I’ll have returned with even more knowledge in order to classify each new ‘Monster’ as revealed by Mr. Brucher–The Respected Taxonomist Kukuttan looks forward to it.
    *Taking into consideration that at the time only one of the Wright Brothers was still alive, and mourning the loss of his brother to Typhoid in the spring of 1912, therefor rendering him unwilling to consider another plan for flight.

  • 15 December 2006 6:58 pm

    I am the Diamond-Sea-Cracker-Bird! Revel in my poetry! I am life, I am birth! Wax me with ether so that I may come down to earth!
    (watch out for the bird, they say)
    My wings are the paper, my mind the marker! Watch out or I’ll create you! You know who you are.
    (listen for the cracker, they say)
    I’ll crunch your numbers! I’ll eat your soul! Wax-poetic the night!
    (smell the stench of the sea, they say)
    Drip, drop on your head, I’ll leave my tender message. Look up to the sky! I am the leader, the tendon of heaven! Connect! Connect!
    (touch the diamond, they say)
    I ink you to death, my red tongue lashes your thoughts! I cut through the tape and return what you’ve bought! I am the Diamond-Sea-Cracker-Bird! Draw me once and I become the world!!!!

  • Sara
    15 December 2006 11:06 pm

    I can’t believe I missed a monster…
    Haha “all Glory to the Hypno Toad” woo!
    Hurrah for scientific documentary style, glad it caught on.
    I love watching the monsters and I love reading the stories. Keep it up!

  • Audrey, 5th grade
    30 April 2007 1:00 pm

    Today I saw the weirdest thing in my whole life. I was swimming in the ocean when I saw….I saw…a vulture-pelican-fish, I think? I was very afraid of it since it had such sharp teeth. I quickly swam up to the bank to get my camera and….AAHHHH! It bit my foot!! I climbed on shore as fast as I could screaming for my life. “There’s a terrifying sharkish bird-fish in the ocean!”

  • sue bebie
    10 April 2008 10:54 am

    Pubertierendes Weder-Noch versucht in der Luft zu schwimmen und im Wasser zu fliegen. Nicht wissend wohin es die Entwicklung führen wird, krächt es sich mutig der Adoleszenz entgegen.

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