DAILY MONSTER 198 (of 200)

Good morning. I’m reporting to you live from the tail end of another night spent in the pursuit of Monster 200. Once again the little miscreant refused to show itself, despite my best attempts of coaxing it into our view. Some other monsters came through, either whole or in parts, but none were it.

Usually, the monsters appear easily and without much prompting, and this is as much because they’re willing to show themselves, as it is that I’m willing to see and have them. But this being the end of the series, I’m looking for something that’s both ineffable and specific. Well, the monsters love being observed and described, but they don’t like being judged. So they’re paying me back with gleeful resistance.

Well… fair enough. When Monster 200 finally decides to walk
down the gangway, it won’t be any less welcome for the delay.
(Though I may crabbily name it Higgs for now.)

Despite the momentary holdup, I still have confidence that the monsters understand the concept of showtime. Not to trot out the classics willy nilly, but Goethe Schiller says “Heute muBŸ die Glocke werden! Frisch Gesellen, seid zur Hand!” Today the bell must come to be! Quickly, workers! Be at hand! Well, the bell need not come to be just yet. There is still time, and the monsters know it. It looks like they won’t surrender Number 200 until the last possible minute. Dramatic little buggers.

Having said all that, they did send 198 and 199 — fine, fine specimens each. I’ll introduce you to 198 in a minute, and show you 199 tomorrow, but first I invite you to take a look at the truly excellent stories you sent in for Monster 197:


Here now is Monster 198, who is eager to say Hello:

If you’re reading this on my Amazon blog, please click here to see the video.

198 has some immediately noticeable features. Are we looking at manual gigantism? Or is it the rest of its body that has somehow decided not to keep pace? Or is there nothing unusual about this physical arrangement at all? Is there a whole subspecies of monster that matches 198? If so, what caused this particular adaptation? 198 certainly doesn’t seem uncomfortable or unhappy. Apart from his obvious aspects, what’s going on with 198? Is it having a good day? Is it making do? Is it paying dues? Is it Dewey decimal? Does it enjoy Baroque oratorios? I hope you’ll chime in with your thoughts on this next to next to last monster. If you can spare a few minutes, please…


Thank you for being here for the final three monsters.
199 will be waiting for you tomorrow,
and with a little bit of luck, I’m sure that
Monster 200 will make its entrance on Friday.

For right now, I wish you a great day.
You do know, I hope, that 344 LOVES YOU


  • Sue Bebie
    30 April 2008 5:55 am

    She’s a woman in gold
    but she’s not very old ah-ah-ah…
    Deepwater-pony Anorexia has got these enormous anchor arms, because she was always swimming on the surface of the deep blue sea. A very dangerous situation for a seahorse with golden shoes. Big fish with big jaws came to see her in her glittery high heels. They were thinking about how she would taste, if they would swallow the little glittery woman in gold.

  • 30 April 2008 6:35 am

    Falange-monsters are not the fastest monsters–but their gigantic hands are not as heavy as they appear, because their bones are similar to bird-bones. Their arms and hands allow them a 4-point balance and steadiness that has been celebrated more than once in pop music, most memorably:
    “When she dances,
    she dances for tomorrow
    and she sings
    she sings like yesterday
    you can lean on her
    lean on her
    as hard as you like
    and she won’t fall down
    ‘cause that is not her way”
    –from ‘Falange4Me’ (track 10 on the ‘Nightcrazies’ album, by Monstrlvr, 1993)
    Many falange-monsters can be found in caregiving professions, particularly those involving small children and the elderly.

  • 30 April 2008 6:36 am

    Falange-monsters are not the fastest monsters–but their gigantic hands are not as heavy as they appear, because their bones are similar to bird-bones. Their arms and hands allow them a 4-point balance and steadiness that has been celebrated more than once in pop music, most memorably:
    “When she dances,
    she dances for tomorrow
    and she sings
    she sings like yesterday
    you can lean on her
    lean on her
    as hard as you like
    and she won’t fall down
    ‘cause that is not her way”
    –from ‘Falange4Me’ (track 10 on the ‘Nightcrazies’ album, by Monstrlvr, 1993)
    Many falange-monsters can be found in caregiving professions, particularly those involving small children and the elderly.

  • 30 April 2008 10:45 am

    …”loose as a goose with her hooves on the dance floor, Sister Goldie Giddyup does a sic LA flip like has never been seen before. With all the grooving backstage during Soul Train, this trick pony has famous moves galore.”
    …. as noted for the record, Sister Giddyup did invent the very popular underground thrash move called “the horsewhip” now being seen….(ouch and felt..) at all the monstermashup gigs in the mosh pit…

  • Andu
    30 April 2008 10:56 am

    Lissy watched the last balloons taking off from the ground, their colours shining brightly in the last light of the sun.
    Today had been a particular event at her hometown, a big party all across the city to celebrate a new year. Nobody knew anymore why they did it in summer instead of in winter, but after a while, it felt just…right. No monsters shivering in their coats and sipping hot tea while watching the rockets burst into sparks. Instead, the people were joyous, happy about the wonderful sunny weather, the green trees, the life – everything. What could be better than this setting to celebrate a new year?
    Lissy had a very particular task at this party. She took part in a certain, impossibly complicated dance that derived from ancient monster tradition. It was said that every movement of the dancer would exorcise a kind of evil ghost from the town, making the life of the townsfolk prosperous and happy.
    She had participated in training for about ten years until she was finally deemed prepared for the dance itself. It had been her second year to dance and still it was very exhausting. Causing this were two things.
    One thing was that they had to carry two enormous hand dummies which had some kind of sticks to hold inside the black “skin”. They weighed at least five pounds each and after ten minutes of dancing, it was sure that every muscle in the real hands hurt like hell. The other thing was which made things worse – they performed the entire dance standing on stilts. If a dancer fell, there were injuries always to be expected. The medics had a small tent right next to the dancefloor.
    Lissy was happy that she finally could get off the stilts to watch the end of the event – the mayor gave cards to the people to write their wishes upon, after which they got attached to balloons which should fly up into the sky. Carefully, she let go of the huge hand dummies, putting them to her side before flopping down in the soft green grass.
    Above her, a yellow balloon flew up, passing the clouds, getting smaller and smaller before it was only a little yellow dot in the endless blue sky.

  • 30 April 2008 12:07 pm

    How pleasant’s the Chalicothere!
    That horse-headed, knuckled chimera.
    Although he did not persevere
    Too far past the Eocene era.
    That the Chalicothere was an herbivore
    The fossil remains all connote.
    Thank goodness, for if you disturb it, you’re
    Safe, unless you are an oat.
    Some say that this creature’s ungainly
    And cite this short movie as proof.
    We see things a smidge more humanely.
    Plus, we saw what is under his hoof:
    He has tripped on a runcible spoon
    (An invention of one “Edward Lear”),
    And that’s what has caused him to swoon.
    How pleasant’s the Chalicothere!

  • Aiden A.
    30 April 2008 3:35 pm

    The previous story will now continue.
    …. until Theresa met 198 (Jimmy). He wasn’t an ostrich like her, he was something quite different. A visiter from the jungles of Discothia, where to get fruit, the creatures must climb tall palm trees. This required so adaptations. The large hands helped him get a good grip on the wide trees allowing him to climb up it. Also, if his hands were sore Jimmy would use another way. By using his long legs, he could jump up very high to the fruit. This was harder, because first you had to find a tree that was shorter than the others.
    Well when Theresa met Jimmy, she was instantly in love. He saw nothing wrong with her horn and they became lovers. He had also been an outcast where he came from. See, he just good not resist bell bottoms and platforms. This was completely out of style though, as everyone in Discothia wore only the finest silk dresses and the snazziest pink cotton overcoats. If you could not afford these, than you could also wear paper pants and plastic shirts. Jimmy did not like either option, and was soon scorned and teased for his clothing.
    That is why he moved to West Xylophone, the home of the ostriches. Now there was another creature who lived on West Xylophone with the ostriches. This creature just hated to see two rejected beings in love. 199 just had to split them apart. it would be an easy task, she thought….
    To be continued… (Its a four part story)

  • jak
    30 April 2008 5:53 pm

    Karoon found a spot and anchored her fists to the dance floor. The Backwater Boys from Bagwell Creek took the stage. Karoon stamped her feet and wooted along with the crowd.
    The Backwater Boys immediately plunged into Swampy Gulch Build-Up and Karoon went wild! She slipped her shoulders into 360 degree revolution/rotation position, her toes tapping like fleas on a chihuahua. Like a Riverdancer on an espresso diet, she bucked and winged, pranced and clicked around her hands until the fiddle player finally showed mercy.
    Exhausted, Karoon eased into her hands, using them like an armchair, until Ernie Bagwell picked up the spoons! Slapping his thigh and clicking those spoons like a cook on fire – Ernie dug into Moonlight on the Compost Heap, Backwater style!
    Karoon picked her butt up off her hands. Shuffling and snuffling, stomping and wailing – Karoon joined in the fray again. Every gihand in the room was twisting and high-stepping around their fists, shaking the whole building (and half the town!)
    When the song ended, Karoon saw that Nicolai Pretnick had worked his fists down the floor, until they were quite close to hers. She pretended not to notice. Nic was the boy every girl wanted to be with – and every father wanted to shoot on sight! She knew all about Nic, and him getting caught behind the gymnasium with one of the cheerleaders – rumor was they were clenching!
    “We’re gonna slow it down now,” Ernie announced. “Time to shine those belt-buckles, boys!”
    Nic slid his hands over until his fingers touched Karoon’s. A shiver ran down her back and her mane stood on end. She knew she shouldn’t – but who could resist hands as big as his. She swiveled around and there they were, face to face. Locking heads, they began to sway to the music.
    “Another dance?” Nic asked when the song ended.
    Dazed, Karoon nodded, her power of speech having taken flight somewhere between belt-buckles and Nic’s odious, overpowering aftershave.
    “Be right back.” He scooted himself over to the punch table.
    And when his back was to her, Karoon scooted out the door! It took the whole weekend (five showers total!) to get the smell of that stuff out of her fur. Phew!

  • 30 April 2008 8:15 pm

    My chess set is finally complete. I picked this baby up on ebay last week. The pimp knight is prized in select collector circles, especially errors and mis-molds. This guy was supposed to have proper sized arms, but something must’ve happened in the plastinator. You don’t want to know how much I paid for him.

  • 30 April 2008 8:17 pm

    P.S. good luck finding the Higgs monster. Maybe you should shoot some ink into the LHC to get some results.

  • 1 May 2008 2:46 am

    Experiment one-ninety-eight was always said to have a long face. To counteract this, he constantly gave people high fives as a way to prove that he knew how to have fun — that he wasn’t a complete bummer. Hospitals everywhere are now at full capacity.

  • Clover Field
    1 May 2008 5:12 am

    As he wandered around town aimlessly, he brought up that same question: “Where do I go?”
    The people that screamed and ran away from him as he walked by offered no answer. Was he doomed to wander the streets forever, wondering about his purpose? He picked up a stray dog, and, with a thought, bit it in two. He then spat the front half out and reattached it to the other half. This was his seventh friend. With a sigh he looked back at the other six following him intently. They just weren’t ENOUGH.
    It was near midnight when he came across the place. Inside he could hear music, see flashing lights, and people dancing. But… the people were DRESSED LIKE HIM! As he and his friends shoved down the door and into the place, the DJ reminded him that there was “Panic at the Disco”.

  • T-Girly
    18 May 2008 1:30 pm

    It was his 16th birthday and he couldn’t wait! His Uncle, Hairy was going to come over to give him a present, and his uncle owned his favourite fashion stores. He skipped over in his new pants with his fav. pair of shoes and the next thing he knows he can buy anything he wants for the whole entire year! The best birthday present… until next year!

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